so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
