38 yer olds are good kisserssss
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
