i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
