Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
