So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
