I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
My ATM looks so different sober.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
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