That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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