u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
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