So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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