apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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