I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
