this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
