Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
