I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize
