My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Ok not good, my info has definitely been submitted to this sugar daddy website before.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
