i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Randomize
