sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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