Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
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