The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
