Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
