I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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