And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Randomize
