I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize