You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
Randomize
