So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Randomize
