I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
