I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
