I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
Randomize
