hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
How was the party? Lets put it this way: "He wants her dick" was a factual sentence stated last night.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
