I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
