Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
