What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
