there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
