I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
i hope thats the last time i ever see ryan's hairy ass fucking
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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