Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
