I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
