I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
