Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Randomize
