I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
