Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize