I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
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