I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
