you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
