Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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