you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Randomize
