if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
You are a genius and a whore.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Randomize
