oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Randomize
