Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
