Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
