Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
Randomize