I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
