Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Randomize
