But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
