I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
