I feel great
I just peed on a car
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
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