She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Randomize
