do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
