Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
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