On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
