if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
